Monday, May 26, 2014

May 2014

Well it's been awhile since I updated on here, sorry about that!  Since our trip, life has gotten back to normal pretty quickly. April came and went, and even though we thought a March vacation was too late in the year, there was still plenty of winter left when we got back home. It was still snowing at the beginning of the month. But now summer is here, and the kids are getting anxious to get out of school and start having some camping fun.

Again, we have been so blessed that Noah could attend his grade 3 school year. For awhile I was getting so frustrated because it seemed every week there was another chicken pox outbreak that we had to keep our eyes open for. But he has been really healthy, and only misses chemo days.

Noah's last chemo was on Tuesday May 20. He started the steroids for 5 days then as well. I know I said this before, but it just keeps hitting him harder and harder each month. He can go from raging mad to sobbing in a puddle on the floor in minutes. Again, his anger and rage is directed at Holly. For whatever reason, she gets the the brunt of it. We are starting to notice that the day or two after Noah comes off the steroids, then Holly starts to act up. I think its from the stress of the week. She feels it too, and it's hard to ignore Noah when he gets like that. It's during steroid weeks that Chris and I look at each other and wonder how we can possibly get through more than a year more of this.

Some days the reality of having a child with cancer is unbearable. If I let the 'what ifs" get to me, my anxiety goes through the roof. It's easy to say to someone not to think of the what ifs. Or to not worry. But it's quite another to do it. This is our life. I can't escape the stress or reality of it. It's always there. The chemo is sitting right there in my coffee cup cupboard. The scars on Noah's chest will always be there to remind us of what he is going through. This is our life, and some weeks are harder than others.

And some weeks, such as last week are crazier. Noah had chemo Tuesday, and Coltan had his CT scan Friday. Coltan did so well. He had to fast and the test was late, so it made it even harder for him. But he did so amazing. I held him in my arms as the anesthesiologist put the gas mask over his face. He screamed and cried and thrashed around trying to get it off. I knew this was what he was going to do so I had prayed all the way to the city for God to give me the strength to hold him and not cry as I sang to him to calm him down. It only took less than a minute and he was asleep, but then I had to lay him on the bed. It's a different sleep than when he falls asleep. His mouth was gaping open and his body was totally limp. It was really hard to see him like that, and then to immediately leave the room, and trust his life into the hands of people I only just met minutes before.

He was under for about half an hour, then woke up before they would let me get to him. He was a screaming mess when I seen him and he didn't know what he wanted or needed. He was also starving. But it didn't take long before he was allowed to eat and drink and then he was feeling much better. Although he did try to rip his IV out!

Now we wait. The surgeon should hopefully call this week with the results. This should determine if he wants to operate on Coltan's lung and remove the part that has cysts and emphysema. Please pray that he will not need surgery. Surgery is so hard for me to handle. I hate seeing my kids brought to the OR. It's not fun. And of course, not fun for them.

But like I said, this week was extra crazy. It was also enlightening. Sometimes things just seem to line up, or in some crazy way make sense and confirm that God is real and taking care of us. I seen that in a few different ways lately. Ways that were unexpected. 4 years ago last week I lost our third baby. A miscarriage that landed me in the OR. Two years later I met a friend who's little boy had been diagnosed with a brain tumor. When he passed away just over a year ago, I took note of his birthday. It was the same day that I had lost my baby. So while I was losing my baby, she was bringing hers into this world. And the day after Coltan turned 1, she held her boy as he took his last breaths, and passed away.  How crazy this life is. How strong we are! Only by the grace of God I tell you. Only by his grace.

Despite all this craziness this week. I felt unusually at peace and ease. I've been taking all kinds of supplements for my anxiety surrounding my kids and their medical needs, and whether its the supplements, or just the placebo affect, it's working. I also know there are so many people that pray for us. And I know in my heart that that is what get's us through these hard patches.

Thank you all who hold us in your hearts and prayers. We appreciate it more that you know! Please continue to pray for Noah, as he fights this cancer. That he will beat it. And for Holly as she struggles to fit in with her sick brothers. For Coltan, although he appears healthy, that surgery is not needed. And for Chris and I as we continue to parent our children as best we know how. That they wont grow up to hate us:) I'm kidding, kind of...