Thursday, January 24, 2013

feeling sad

Today I am feeling overwhelmingly sad. I just got a text from a fellow cancer mom telling me that a little boy that we both had met at cancercare just passed away. I didn't think that it would affect me as much as it is. I didn't really meet that family. I knew who they were, seen them several times, but never had the chance to start a conversation. But as soon as I heard that he passed, I was overwhelmed with sadness. I can't imagine what those parents are feeling. Or what they felt while holding their precious baby boy and watching him pass in their arms. I just, I can't imagine.

I know that none of us know when our time will come, or our children's time. But when you have a child with cancer, it sometime's feels like you are right at deaths door.  Even when things are going good, and there doesn't seem to be anything to worry about. You still have a child with cancer. You know? They are not well, they are very sick, their little bodies are fighting and fighting and you are pumping all kinds of drugs into them. Over and over. For years.

Some days are too much. Some days, the knowledge alone of having a sick child, not thinking about the drugs, or side effects or anything like that. Just the knowledge of your child having a serious illness from which they will die if not treated is overwhelming.

This little boy that passed away, was the first child to die that we knew since we started at cancercare. And it feels like a different grief that I have now that I am a cancer mom. Before Noah had cancer, if I heard of a child that died, or a tragedy involving a child, it would not have affected me like this. I just cant explain it.

I feel like I should have prayed more for that family.

Today Noah went to school, grouchy and mad. Talked back to me, was just in a bad mood. Didn't want to go to school, didn't want to go to hockey tonight. Just ruined a morning with his poor attitude. But he went to school anyways. I brought Holly to preschool, feeling exhausted with fighting with Noah already before 8am. And hauling Coltan around with his mitts and snow suit and toque was extra hard today. Then I got home, and got this text about the little boy that died. And I wished I could have started the day over. I wished I hadn't been so irritated with Noah. He just had chemo on Tuesday. It just really made me think about how I need to value my time with my kids.


Wednesday, January 2, 2013

A new year

It has been AWHILE I know. But I have felt like I needed a break from the internet, blogs, and facebook. It has been nice. But, I feel like I should update everyone. For all of you that prayed that we would be able to stay home for Christmas and avoid the hospital and blood transfusions, I want to let you know that those prayers have been answered. Noah's counts were at 0. His neutrophils (cells that fight infections) were at 0. The risk of him getting sick was huge. But he never did. We avoided some friends, but were able to be with our family for all our gatherings and have a normal Christmas. It was amazing. Although it certainly felt different this year. I felt more blessed and grateful than I ever had. I was so thankful to be sitting with my family around me than any other year I can remember. Having Noah sitting on my lap, watching his great great grandma opening her presents for her 95th Christmas was something I will always treasure. So thank you for your prayer. We felt it and seen it.

Noah is doing much better these days. His counts are up and he has been given the OK to go back to school Jan 7 with everyone else. He can start playing hockey again, maybe only half time, but his oncologist said it was a good time to ease back into activity. He didn't need another blood transfusion on Dec 24th, which was a huge blessing. And our prayer request would be that he never needs another one again. I also want to encourage everyone who can, to go give blood. It truly saves lives.

Tomorrow Noah will go for his last chemo treatment to end this hard round. He will be put to sleep and have a spinal where they inject the chemo directly into his spine. He has to fast, but does very well with this. Then, we start chemo through his port every 10 days for 40 days. He has gone through this phase before and has done well with it. He will be taking Vincristine, so if you want to look up the side effects that I have posted previously on that drug, we would appreciate the prayer.

He still has some attitude to his sister that is extremely annoying for us, but overall, he has energy and is really doing well. He eats well, although food doesn't taste what it used to taste like. And he really lost all his sweet tooth (which is just fine).

For alternative 'treatment' we give Noah food grade peroxide to drink, which I highly recommend to anyone fighting this battle of cancer. And even as a preventative. We also have Xango juice that I also attribute to his counts climbing and him not getting sick.

Prayer requests for our family: that Noah will completely recover from cancer and that it will never again invade his body. That school will be good for him and that he will enjoy. Noah feels nervous now that his hair is gone. That the kids wouldn't make fun of him. Prayer for Holly as she feels the stress in her own ways. Prayer that Coltan's malformed lung will be healed and that he will never need surgery.

thank you all so much.