Saturday, February 15, 2014


We are feeling very defeated today. Feeling like our trip will never happen. Holly came down with a fever last night, sore throat, headache, no appetite and no energy. All signs of chicken pox. If this is the case, the boys will be at risk for getting them over our trip. This is awful. It feels as though we cannot get a break. It is constantly one thing after another.

We had just gotten the go ahead from the surgeon for Coltan to fly on Thursday. I was just starting to accept this and actually starting to think about the trip again. And now this. It's like we can't even process one thing before the next thing hits.

We have sent Holly to grandma and grandpa's for at least 2 nights. What good this is, we don't know. Honestly, how can we prevent this? I feel like a horrible mom for sending my poor sick little girl away. When all I want to do is hold her and take care of her.

We are so tired of doctors, and hospitals, and sickness, and the possibility of sickness. Its neverending. Ever.

We also just made the decision to pull the kids from school because of all the chicken pox outbreaks. Now I am wondering if it's all too late. Or just a big waste of time and energy.

Please pray for us. This trip is so important for us. But it feels like its just slipping away. Please pray that Holly will get better, her fever will break and it wont be chicken pox. Please pray that Noah and Coltan remain healthy. This is so stressful. So hard. Please pray that Chris and I can remain hopeful. It's really hard sometimes. Please pray that we remain positive and faithful, and hopeful.


Wednesday, February 5, 2014

What the surgeon said

I met with the surgeon on Monday, expecting him to confirm what the nurse told me over the phone, that it was not safe for Coltan to fly. Instead as I sat down, he says to me that the chance of Coltan's lung lesions rupturing as miniscule and that we should not cancel our trip.


Yeah. That's where I am at right now. He said that the nurse didn't have all the information, or something along that line because my brain was still trying to comprehend what he just said. And that there was a greater chance of the plane crashing then Coltan's lung leaking air.

So why in the world can I not accept this?? I cannot get what the nurse said out of my head. I know that I should trust the surgeon, he is the best in his field, but where did this mis communication occur? How could the nurse have said that she spoke to the surgeon and he advised no flying, and then the surgeon says its such a small chance to not cancel the trip?

I feel so torn. I wish the nurse hadn't said anything and that I just spoke to the surgeon directly. But now I have these two drastic differences of information in a matter of 3 days. So my mom advised to make another appointment with the surgeon and have Chris there with me so that its not just falling on my ears and the weight of the decision isn't falling on my shoulders, as it feels.

I so appreciate your prayers and support in this. It's been so difficult. We meet with the surgeon Feb 13. From that date it will be less than a month until our trip.

As for Noah, he is doing well. He is still difficult emotionally, and asked me last week if I thought he was going to die from cancer. So I know he thinks about it, and I know what I think matters to him. It still isn't easy hearing your child ask you that. Especially if you cant answer it with 100% certainty. But I didn't show my hesitation. I answered with a strong no. But honestly, if you are on facebook for 5 minutes, you see another new cancer diagnosis. Another angel. Kids with leukemia, just like Noah. Same age. Everything. It's hard not to doubt at times.

But he still goes to school, I kept him home a couple days due to a chicken pox outbreak in his class. We have until Feb 7 to see if he was exposed. Please pray he doesn't get them.

As for Holly, she buckles under Noah's relentless bullying on her. Its heart breaking, and I cant stand it. We may resume counselling with Noah's first counselor that can see him again. It's just so frustrating and nothing we say or do stops him from bothering her.

My anxiety has been hard to handle. It started in November and has increased. I have meds but havn't started them. Not sure if I will.

Thanks for your prayer, it gets us through our days.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Heading out the door

Just about to head out the door to meet Coltan's surgeon today and see what the plan will be regarding surgery and flying. But I just wanted to share with you something that occurred to me last night and reinforced this morning.

Last night as I was in the shower, feeling the water hit my head and face, it made me think of how the water seemed like the stress in my life. And there is so much with having sick children. But God's grace is like an umbrella that prevents the water from drowning me. I can still feel the water hitting the umbrella, but it's not killing me. His grace is enough.

This morning as I was reading my bible app on my phone (which by the way has been my saving grace many a day) this is the verse that popped up:

Psalm 5:11-12

But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. Surely Lord, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield.

It seems as though the 'umbrella' that I feel is my shield. My protection. Keeping the faith.

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement.