Sunday, September 14, 2014

Summer 2014

Wow, I cannot believe that May was my last time I wrote on here!  I have been meaning to. But I just havn't. Sometimes its easier not to write. But I also know it does me a great deal of good,  So, summer. Has came and went so fast. In fact, it feels like we havnt had a summer at all. I dont feel ready for Fall. Not in the least bit. Fall time has been a hard time for me since grandma passed away 5 years ago. She passed away in January, 2009, but Fall is when I think I remember her the most. I remember the way her house smelled with canning beets and pickles. I remember the warmth of it as I walked in the entrance. I miss her so much. This is now the second Fall that we are going into without my great grandma now too. I miss her so much as well. I miss that trailer she lived in. As Halloween approaches, I think of her often. Her apples that she handed out and the toffee candy that nobody liked! I remember her stale chips that she would offer every time I walked into her house. Which was often because she lived right next door. I dont think people realize how close of a family we were. I am also missing my great Aunt, who passed away almost a year ago. She and my grandma were sisters. She was also the daughter in law to my great grandma. I have often thought of her this season. How many times I would call her with canning questions and she would always help me out. Oh how I miss these women, I feel this Fall has been extra hard.

And with Fall comes the start of school. So far so good. Noah has a teacher whom he loves, and Holly does too. It's been different having just Coltan with me at home all day. He misses them.

Noah had chemo last Monday, so a week ago tomorrow. He has been on steroids all week and its been rough to handle. He is so awful to Holly. He says horrible things to her, and it hurts my heart to hear it and to see her take it. Some days I feel convince that she will grow up to absolutely hate him. I hate this cancer for that. For turning Noah into this horrible mean brother. We just are out of ideas on how to make him stop this behavior. I contacted the the oncology office here in town. They do not have a program for kids, but the oncology counselor has agreed to meet with Holly and Noah and try to help us in some way. I am praying this works. I feel like we are never happy. We certainly aren't normal. I just cannot wait until this chemo is over with.

Even though we will celebrate the last day of chemo, I know that it doesn't end there. Many more visits to cancer care for a long time will follow. Plus the fear of it returning. You cant tell a cancer mom to not think like that, or not to worry. Because we simply cannot. We see it every day. Kids relapse. And to think it cant happen to us would be naive. I never thought I would have a child with cancer, and here we are. I dont want to go into anything with our eyes shut.

At the end of the month we are attending a family cancer camp that the Candlelighters puts on for families like ours. Hopefully we will meet some other families like ours and not feel so alone. And the kids are really looking forward to staying in a hotel and swimming:)

As for Coltan, the surgeon had originally wanted to do surgery this September. The CT showed that one of the cysts on his lung had slightly grown. But upon meeting with him and discussing it further, he didn't think we needed to rush it. And Chris and I felt relieved because we didn't feel ready to send another child of ours into the OR. So for now we monitor it and put the surgery on the back burner for now. Unless a miracle occurs, he will need surgery to have part of his lung removed. This gives us a bit more time to pray for a miracle. Because the thought of sending Coltan in for surgery is too much. Some days its all too much.

There have been alot of changes here. Chris has recently quit his job at the insurance place. He now does full time personal training and teaching self defense...his all time dream.  I have been very busy with my doula work, and am loving every minute of it.  To have a job so rewarding is a true blessing. I recently seen a doctor speaking on fb about delivering babies. He said that for those moments that you are there, witnessing a life be born, brought into this world, it makes you forget about all the garbage going on outside those doors and even in your own life. It's so true.

So this is where we are. Still keeping on. Chemo every day. Once a month in the city, and put to sleep ever 12 weeks for chemo in the spine. It has become our normal. But that doesn't mean that it's always easy. It doesn't mean that I dont cry before bed, and get down on my knees and pray that God will save my children. Because I do. More times than I will admit. Sometimes I doubt whether its working. Whether my prayers are being heard. And then something happens, and God reminds me that He hears me. I got a message from a lady that went to our church awhile ago. She said that her small group prays for us continually. What a blessing that was to hear. I know God is with us I do. We are a work in progress though.

For now I have a few prayer requests. Holly came down with a cold that she is recovering from but it has passed to Coltan. He is coughing so bad, and I am worried its going to get into his bad lung and we will need antibiotics for him. Noah started to come down with it too, and that combined with the steroid effects is draining him. Please pray that these colds will disappear. That they will heal from them and be 'healthy' again. I am just starting to learn how to use essential oils, so I have been putting that on them. But I am still worried that I will end up bringing one or both of my boys into the ER this week. I also have a birth to attend and so its all a bit overwhelming.

Please pray that Noah will have more grace towards Holly. And that Coltan can witness a good loving relationship between his siblings and learn that instead of what he has been seeing and hearing. Pray that Chris and I continue to parent our children well. Make wise decisions and have patience and grace and understanding with them all.

Pray something big. Pray that cancer will become non existent. Every day I hear of someone else being diagnosed with it. Its awful.
Thank you all who do pray and support us. We feel it.

ps. we can now officially say Noah has less than 1 more year to go!!