Today I am feeling overwhelmingly sad. I just got a text from a fellow cancer mom telling me that a little boy that we both had met at cancercare just passed away. I didn't think that it would affect me as much as it is. I didn't really meet that family. I knew who they were, seen them several times, but never had the chance to start a conversation. But as soon as I heard that he passed, I was overwhelmed with sadness. I can't imagine what those parents are feeling. Or what they felt while holding their precious baby boy and watching him pass in their arms. I just, I can't imagine.
I know that none of us know when our time will come, or our children's time. But when you have a child with cancer, it sometime's feels like you are right at deaths door. Even when things are going good, and there doesn't seem to be anything to worry about. You still have a child with cancer. You know? They are not well, they are very sick, their little bodies are fighting and fighting and you are pumping all kinds of drugs into them. Over and over. For years.
Some days are too much. Some days, the knowledge alone of having a sick child, not thinking about the drugs, or side effects or anything like that. Just the knowledge of your child having a serious illness from which they will die if not treated is overwhelming.
This little boy that passed away, was the first child to die that we knew since we started at cancercare. And it feels like a different grief that I have now that I am a cancer mom. Before Noah had cancer, if I heard of a child that died, or a tragedy involving a child, it would not have affected me like this. I just cant explain it.
I feel like I should have prayed more for that family.
Today Noah went to school, grouchy and mad. Talked back to me, was just in a bad mood. Didn't want to go to school, didn't want to go to hockey tonight. Just ruined a morning with his poor attitude. But he went to school anyways. I brought Holly to preschool, feeling exhausted with fighting with Noah already before 8am. And hauling Coltan around with his mitts and snow suit and toque was extra hard today. Then I got home, and got this text about the little boy that died. And I wished I could have started the day over. I wished I hadn't been so irritated with Noah. He just had chemo on Tuesday. It just really made me think about how I need to value my time with my kids.