Monday, November 5, 2012

A day in the life

Just thought I would send a quick update. Noah is doing well. He started hockey, but he doesn't always feel up to going. He's such a little man, so he won't tell you if he's not feeling well, he instead just shrugs his shoulders, mumbles something after I ask him what the matter is, and doesn't give us a real indication why he doesn't always want to play. My best guess is that his counts are dropping and his body is just feeling tired and not doing what he is used to it doing. So, we have hockey tonight, and we will see how it goes. Tomorrow is just a check up at cancer clinic and Wednesday he is put to sleep for another spinal. Which he doesn't mind. He likes the sleep part. Which is nice. Today he had a blood test and freaked out. He just had it  done in the cancer care clinic in Steinbach, and so I get that they aren't use to children (sorry my font changed and I have no idea how to change it back!) but it was a little frustrating. He was suppose to have a finger poke, and so that is what I prepared him for. But the lab tech wanted to do an arm poke. So Noah became very upset and hid his arms and refused to let them touch him. I had to strongly encourage him that it would be fine, that he has had like a hundred arm pokes but it was no use. Finally the lab tech just did a finger poke. Its hard to see him feel so scared. I found myself feeling mad and frustrated and very done with all the procedures that he has had and will have. And then knowing that we aren't done. Not even close to being done with it all. Knowing how much more he will have to endure became very overwhelming.

Its more now too because Coltan will have to have a CT scan for is malformed lung. The doctors called today and told us they changed their minds and that Coltan needs it done within a month. He will be sedated, have a breathing tube inserted and have them breathe for him. Then in recovery for awhile. Its all so overwhelming. To look at my children and see them go through these procedures can be too much to take in some days. Today is that day where I feel very done with it all. I just want healthy children. I don't want to take them to the hospital anymore. I want to know that they will be just fine.

There are just days when it all feels too much. Today is a day like that. But I have no choice. I can't hide under my blankets and sleep away the day. I can't go to the mall and get lost for awhile. I have three children that all need me.  But some days that's what I feel like doing. Disappear for a bit. Go to the store and not run into someone I know. Hide out until things settle. 

So if I can't do those things, I then will pray. It sounds so like the 'right' thing to do. Or what everyone tells you to do. But truthfully, it the ONLY thing to do. I can't heal my children. I have no power to do that. There is nothing I can do to take this all away. So praying is the only answer. And when God calls me to my knees, I will do it.

Our prayer requests: Complete healing for Noah. That his cancer will be cured and never return. That he will learn to cope with all the procedures yet to come. That the side effects of the chemo will be non existant. Prayer for Coltan. That when they do the CT scan, they find only healthy little lungs with no cysts, no malformations, and that cancer will never invade his body. For Holly. She feels the stress too in her own way. 


1 comment:

  1. Hi Melissa. I've been following your blog after hearing about Noah from a friend and my heart aches for your family. Having had a child (now an adult) in and out of hospitals his entire life and then last year facing the battle of his life has altered how we lived life, no doubt. I can say, though, that by facing this as a family (and leaning on God all the way) developed amazing characteristics in our children that I could not have taught as deeply (Us grown-ups are different for it too). (Picture a vomiting 11 year old, his 9 year old sister rubbing his back and 8 year old brother holding the bucket. It's an image I will never forget) Yes, they mention the canceled vacations, missed concerts & hockey games, but I see their tender hearts, the compassion they show others in unimaginable circumstances and believe that was developed because of the path we were allowed to travel. A verse I lean on is from Matthew 12:20 - "A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out, till he leads justice to victory." God is trustworthy to carry us through the darkest moments. Praying alongside you.