Saturday, July 28, 2012

thinking clearly or something like it

It has been 3 1/2 weeks now since we learned Noah has leukemia. Its only now that I am starting to think a bit clearer and remember some things that happened earlier on in his diagnosis.  I am having trouble sleeping, and when I lay in bed I think back to that first day in the er at Children's. We had no idea. No idea how our lives were going to change. Its been such a roller coaster.

We are seeing I think the worst of the side effects from the steroids. Noah has been in rages for the last 2 days. Its unbearable. I am exhausted and completely out of ideas on how to control this. I don't think we can. He has gained 10lbs in one week. For a boy who weighed 51lbs, this is a big jump. The chemo he had yesterday causes his nerves to not work as well, and because of the weight gain, his balance is off. He fell yesterday and scraped his knee on the street. Which of course makes me worry now for infection. I hate this. I hate ever single part of this. He doesn't look like my Noah, doesn't act like my Noah.  I just want this to be over.

I have found myself questioning if chemo is the right answer. Its so harsh. There are so many things we just don't know, and so many decisions we have to make now. I just want someone to tell me that everything is going to be ok, and actually know that it will be. Not just say it because that's what you say to someone with a child with cancer.

I ran into an old friend today. The week her daughter was killed in an accident, I was only a couple weeks away from my due date with Noah. I remember hugging her at her daughters funeral, and as she hugged me she whispered into my ear to love and take care of this baby. And now here I am, 7 years later. Noah has cancer and there is nothing I can do to take it away. Are we making the right medical choices? I can't take this away from him. I can't make the procedures any less painful. I can't do anything to make this better.

Today she hugged me and whispered into my ear once again. She said she was so sorry that I have to go through this, but in the end we will come out stronger. So maybe she is my someone that knows. Her daughter didn't have cancer, but she died. I still have my son. And even though I don't know the outcome I need to live like I do. So when he screams at me and tells me to stop talking and leave him alone, he still has to get sent to his room.

I'm not sure this post made any sense whatsoever. I am so tired. And just typing away not double checking anything. Just typing any thought that comes into my head. And this is me thinking more clearly...


  1. Melissa, I am so glad you can blog and just write things the way they are, the way you feel.
    I wish I could give advice, but I have none. So I will:
    1) Tweet out your posts & mention them on Facebook in hopes that there are people who can be there for you because sadly they have gone through a similar experience.
    2) I will bring you a coffee on days when you need it.
    3) I will pray, and pray some more. Because on days when you just can't pray...others will be holding you up in prayer.

  2. As you and Chris and Holly and Coltan travel this journey with Noah know that you are surrounded by the love of the Lord and he will carry you through...He is there, wrapping you in his loving arms...
    Carolyn and Brian